GERONIMO HEIGHTS – Local scavenger Datek Whitman has drawn criticism from the survivor community after chaining his recently turned friend, Marcus Chen, to a radiator in his shelter, insisting that “being undead doesn’t nullify a debt.”
Chen, who borrowed 500 dollars from Whitman last spring for a failed Xtreme Scavenging Bootcamp venture, was turned while setting up a live obstacle run last week for his first class. Rather than following accepted protocol of swift termination, Whitman subdued and restrained his former friend, claiming he’ll release Chen’s corpse only after the debt is settled by finding and raiding Chen’s hidden supply stash or bargaining with his surviving family members for his remains.
“Look, I get that he’s technically dead,” Whitman explained while Chen attempted to rip himself free in the background. “But his sister Rachel is still running that somewhat successful Jheri Curl revival salon in the old Target parking lot camp. The family debt doesn’t just disappear because Marcus decided to get bitten.”
The Local Survivor Council (LSC) has issued a statement calling Whitman’s actions “unnecessarily risky” and “a gross misunderstanding of both basic finance and the concept of death.” Council spokesperson Sarah Martinez noted that there hasn’t been a functioning small claims court since the old world collapsed, and even if there was, “zombie defendants typically clear out the courtroom with the rotting flesh and all.”
Rachel Chen, when reached for comment at her Jheri Curl salon, expressed frustration at the situation. “First of all, Marcus was always terrible with money. He probably got turned by someone he owed money to. Second, Datek’s lucky I don’t report him to the Local Zone Corps for keeping an active biohazard in a residential camp. And third, I’m pretty sure Marcus still owes me 500 dollars from two years ago, so get in line.”
Local debt collector turned zombie hunter James Morrison offered his professional opinion: “In my experience, pursuing debts from the undead is generally unprofitable. They tend to only be interested in one type of payment, and it’s not one you want to receive. Unless you happen to know where they’ve hidden a large sum of money, you’re making a grave mistake.” (Editors note: Morrison smirked after saying this; clearly amused by his own wit.)
Whitman remains unmoved by the criticism, having recently installed a small whiteboard within Chen’s view showing the remaining balance and daily compound interest calculations. “I even adjusted the interest rate down to account for his reduced circumstances,” Whitman insisted. “I’m not an a—hole.”
At press time, three other survivors have come forward claiming Chen also owes them various amounts of money, leading to heated discussions in the LSC about establishing a zombie debt cancellation system and whether or not to forcibly remove Whitman and his prisoner from the residential camp.
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[DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of fiction and satire. Any resemblance to real events or persons is purely coincidental.]
