GERONIMO HEIGHTS - Local scavenger Datek Whitman has drawn criticism from the survivor community after chaining his recently turned friend, Marcus Chen, to a radiator in his shelter, insisting that "being undead doesn't nullify a debt." Chen, who borrowed 500 dollars from Whitman last spring for a failed Xtreme Scavenging Bootcamp venture, was turned while setting up a live obstacle run last week for his first class. Rather than following accepted protocol of swift termination, Whitman subdued and restrained his former friend, claiming he'll release Chen's corpse only after the debt is settled by finding and raiding Chen's hidden supply stash or bargaining with his surviving family members for his remains. "Look, I get that he's technically dead," Whitman explained while Chen attempted to rip himself free in the background. "But his sister Rachel is still running that somewhat successful Jheri Curl revival salon in the old Target parking lot camp. The family debt doesn't just disappear because Marcus decided to get bitten." The Local Survivor Council (LSC) has issued a statement calling Whitman's actions…

Introducing the "Horoscopes for Poors" — your guide to making the best of a crap life via the stars. For April Aries (March 21 - April 19) This week, your fiery spirit will come in handy when outrunning hordes. Avoid back alleys; they're notorious for surprise encounters. Love is in the air, or perhaps it's just the smell of rotting flesh. Either way, it's a great time to meet someone new, especially if they know where to find clean water and a good escape route. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Financial stability is a thing of the past, but you'll find a shiny coin in the ruins, which will make a great conversation piece at the next scavenger meet. Your stubbornness might save you from a risky trade for expired food. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Communication is key this week. You'll finally fix that old radio and pick up a broadcast from a survivor colony. Don't get your hopes up; it's mostly infomercials from corporations selling luxury bunkers to the rich. Cancer…

According to therapist Anwar Waller, one of his newest clients was completely unaware he had turned and joined the ranks of the undead. "He was completely distraught," Dr. Waller shares. "M. (name obscured for patient privacy) couldn't understand why his family had boarded up their family residence and installed barbed wire and angled spikes." According to M., he returned home from a night hunt—a group raid intended to decrease the numbers of infected near settlements—to find his family horrified at his return and scurrying to get indoors while locking him out. Dr. Waller continues, "M. told me he remembers the group getting surprised by a pack of undead that blindsided them from a nearby building. He claimed they beat back the horde, but remembers being incredibly tired and just needing to 'catch his breath.'" Once morning came, M. recalls waking up, pulling himself to his feet and heading home. He noted having blurred vision and was curious as to why his family members smelled like breakfast to him. He wondered if they had cooked and…

ATLANTA CITY-CAMP - What began as a communal Thanksgiving gathering in Sector 7 devolved into chaos yesterday after discovery that the traditional mac-n-cheese had been "elevated" with foraged elderberries and pine nuts, leading to three minor injuries and one destroyed camp chair. The incident occurred when Sharon Washington, 34, took her first bite of the holiday staple and immediately detected what she described as "unauthorized forager nonsense" in the dish. Witnesses report the situation escalated when Darnell Washington, who had been quietly enjoying his portion, suggested that "maybe trying new things isn't the worst idea. We’re short on food and everything extra helps." "Look, things are bad enough," said Washington, nursing a bruised knuckle at the camp medic station. "Mac-n-cheese is sacred. You don't mess with sacred things. Next thing you know, someone's going to suggest putting dried crickets in the dressing. The culprit, later identified as former food critic J. Marcus Quinn, defended his creative addition to the traditional dish. "I spent three weeks foraging those pine nuts from the abandoned Buckhead estates. Do…

Introducing the "Horoscopes for Poors" — your guide to making the best of a crap life via the stars. For February Aries (March 21 - April 19) This week, Aries, your inner strength and determination will be put to the test. A tough decision lies ahead, one that involves your meager resources. Remember, adaptability is your key to success. Lean on your innovative nature, and you'll find a way to make ends meet or eliminate the person who's keeping you from doing so. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Taurus, your patience is your greatest asset. Keep your eye on the prize as you continue to work tirelessly for a better future. Share what little you have with others this week, and you'll discover that sometimes, it's the act of giving that brings the most joy and the most hunger. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This week, Gemini, you might feel pulled in different directions. While life may be challenging, your ability to communicate and network could open new doors, most likely exposing your…