Introducing the "Horoscopes for Poors" — your guide to making the best of a crap life via the stars. For January Aries (March 21–April 19): You're a natural leader, but your leadership skills will shine even more brightly as you rally underprivileged souls to form a line at the soup kitchen. Your strong will might not solve world hunger, but it'll get you to the front of the line faster. Taurus (April 20–May 20): Your stubborn nature can be an asset in the struggle for survival. Embrace your determination as you refuse to let “those new people” into your camp tonight. Make that makeshift cardboard box fort hotel and check them in down the hill! Gemini (May 21–June 20): Your adaptability will be your saving grace as you pivot between scavenging, daylight theft, and bartering for canned salad. Just remember to wear your leather armor proudly, and you might avoid a proper stabbing. Cancer (June 21–July 22): You're the nurturing type, and this world desperately needs caretakers. Take your emotional support skills to the intake…

Introducing the "Horoscopes for Poors" — your guide to making the best of a crap life via the stars. For April Aries (March 21 - April 19) This week, your fiery spirit will come in handy when outrunning hordes. Avoid back alleys; they're notorious for surprise encounters. Love is in the air, or perhaps it's just the smell of rotting flesh. Either way, it's a great time to meet someone new, especially if they know where to find clean water and a good escape route. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Financial stability is a thing of the past, but you'll find a shiny coin in the ruins, which will make a great conversation piece at the next scavenger meet. Your stubbornness might save you from a risky trade for expired food. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Communication is key this week. You'll finally fix that old radio and pick up a broadcast from a survivor colony. Don't get your hopes up; it's mostly infomercials from corporations selling luxury bunkers to the rich. Cancer…

In a shocking turn of events that has left the financial world and fight fans alike in a state of disbelief, Bank of the Gods LLC (BOTG) has officially surrendered half of its East Coast properties following a devastating cage fight loss to none other than GristMill Foods East (GMF-E). The saga began when Bank of the Gods, known for its questionable financial services and insanely high interest rates, decided to challenge GristMill Foods East, an equally large and even less humble corporation that makes artisanal gruel and organic ash chips. The idea of a financial institution taking on a snack provider in the Masterdome cage seemed absurd, but apparently CEO, Marcus Greywaller demanded the fight after a potential partner meeting went south. The bout took place in the Masterdome, a structure that used to be known as Madison Square Garden, but has since been reduced to a decrepit, makeshift arena famous for hosting epic fights to the death featuring individual combat-champions hired and trained by coporations. The crowd could feel the tension in the…

In the post-apocalyptic world, amidst the chaos, rubble, and scarcity, one question has been plaguing our readers: Where should all the boo boo go? Yes, folks, we're talking about that most pressing and peculiar concern – the proper disposal of poop in these trying times. Back in the day, you'd simply flush it away or let it disappear into the sewage system. But in this new world of desolation, disarray, and despair, the once-convenient plumbing system is nothing more than a memory. So, what's a survivor to do when nature calls and there's nowhere to answer? I embarked on a mission, equipped with my makeshift shovel and trusty microphone, to uncover the secrets of where the boo boo should go in this brave new world. I stumbled upon a group of survivors who referred to themselves as the "Poo Posse." Their leader, Lawrence, proudly declared, "We've made it our mission to tackle this issue head-on — or butt first." The Posse's first and most crucial solution was a revelation: the DIY Doo Doo Drop. In…

Introducing the "Horoscopes for Poors" — your guide to making the best of a crap life via the stars. For March Aries (March 21 - April 19) Get ready to roll up your sleeves, Aries, because fortune favors the bold — and let’s face it, subtlety was never your thing. The stars suggest you might find something this week that isn't bolted down. Call it serendipity, or just good old-fashioned theft. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This week, Taurus, plant your feet firmly on the ground. Not that you have a choice with those ugly ass boots of yours. Your keen eye for value will come in handy, especially when deciding between a trade for new underwear or a night of pleasure. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Chatterbox Gemini, you've got a gift for gab that could talk the drawers off a statue. Use it to your advantage this week; the appearance that you've never said a cross word to a crucifix might just snag you more than just an attentive audience. Cancer…