Introducing the “Horoscopes for Poors” — your guide to making the best of a crap life via the stars.
For January
Aries (March 21–April 19):
You’re a natural leader, but your leadership skills will shine even more brightly as you rally underprivileged souls to form a line at the soup kitchen. Your strong will might not solve world hunger, but it’ll get you to the front of the line faster.
Taurus (April 20–May 20):
Your stubborn nature can be an asset in the struggle for survival. Embrace your determination as you refuse to let “those new people” into your camp tonight. Make that makeshift cardboard box fort hotel and check them in down the hill!
Gemini (May 21–June 20):
Your adaptability will be your saving grace as you pivot between scavenging, daylight theft, and bartering for canned salad. Just remember to wear your leather armor proudly, and you might avoid a proper stabbing.
Cancer (June 21–July 22):
You’re the nurturing type, and this world desperately needs caretakers. Take your emotional support skills to the intake holding cell and help a homeless child find their forever cardboard box.
Leo (July 23–August 22):
Your passion and creativity may be overlooked by what’s left of society, but don’t let that dampen your spirit. Showcase your artistic talent by creating “Camp Fence Masterpieces” that will leave passersby thinking, “I hope that Leo gets to eat tonight.”
Virgo (August 23–September 22):
Your attention to detail will be put to the test when counting the smooth rock currency you scrape together to pay for a coffee, which is really just hot water with a hint of bean. Keep counting; maybe someday you’ll have enough for a personal cup.
Libra (September 23–October 22):
Your need for balance can be achieved by carefully rationing your rationed portions. Feel a sense of equilibrium when you ration your meager ration in half, savoring the luxury of a two-ration dining experience.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21):
Your determination and resourcefulness will be put to good use when you spend hours crafting a throwback “Free Wi-Fi Treasure Map” to find those elusive hotspots that no longer exist because there’s no internet in the wasteland. Enjoy a fleeting moment of imaginary online access before it disconnects!
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21):
Your adventurous spirit is best channeled into your quest for a public restroom that’s not locked, broken, terrifying, or…”filled.” Keep exploring; you may stumble upon a rare, clean toilet one day.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19):
Your ambition is admirable, but remember, even climbing the command ladder in a dystopian city-camp might only get you to the second rung. So keep climbing, but try not to look down, lest you have to look the people you’re stepping on in the eye.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18):
Your humanitarian nature shines when you volunteer to be the designated listener in your support group for “Affordable Winter Body-Wraps.” Your empathy might not cure their frost bite, but it helps to share the pain.
Pisces (February 19–March 20):
Your sensitivity is a gift, but it might lead to emotional turbulence. To navigate the rough seas, consider adopting “Dystopian Denial” as your mantra. Close your eyes, pretend everything’s fine, and float on.
While the rest of us make do with the crumbs of existence, these horoscopes for poors are a reminder that, something good may happen, but don’t hold your breath. Keep your spirits up, dear readers, and remember that in the vast cosmos, we’re all just stardust trying to steal the next man’s dinner.
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[DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of fiction and satire. Any resemblance to real events or persons is purely coincidental.]