Introducing the “Horoscopes for Poors” — your guide to making the best of a crap life via the stars.
For March
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Get ready to roll up your sleeves, Aries, because fortune favors the bold — and let’s face it, subtlety was never your thing. The stars suggest you might find something this week that isn’t bolted down. Call it serendipity, or just good old-fashioned theft.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This week, Taurus, plant your feet firmly on the ground. Not that you have a choice with those ugly ass boots of yours. Your keen eye for value will come in handy, especially when deciding between a trade for new underwear or a night of pleasure.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Chatterbox Gemini, you’ve got a gift for gab that could talk the drawers off a statue. Use it to your advantage this week; the appearance that you’ve never said a cross word to a crucifix might just snag you more than just an attentive audience.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Home is where the heart is, Cancer, but it’s also where you hide all your stuff. This week, the stars suggest fluffing those stolen pillows — because, who knows, you might just find lost treasures or at least some change.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The world’s a stage, Leo, and this week, you’re the one holding the flashlight in the blackout. Shine that beam like the solar-powered laser sword master you are. Who needs the sun when you’ve got your smile, right?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Prepare for a eureka moment this week, Virgo. You’ll discover a revolutionary way to use that ancient device known as a ‘paper map’. Turns out, not all treasures require a GPS or a charged battery.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Justice and fairness are your mottos, Libra. This week, you’ll find yourself balancing more than just opinions — like, how to ration that last bar of chocolate so everyone gets a square…or just you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s all about transformation for you, Scorpio. Like turning that brooding energy into something useful — like figuring out how many uses you can get out of a single tea bag…or spiked bat. World record, here you come!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The great indoors is calling you, Sagittarius. Adventure or death might be out there, but this week, the couch is your domain. Who knows what thrilling journeys you’ll find in the pages of an old book or the back of the camp’s stores when everyone’s asleep.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You’ve got the patience of a saint, Capricorn, and this week, it’ll pay off when you finally get to the front of… well, whatever food line you’re standing in. Just remember to act surprised when they hand you the next best thing since sliced bread — a loaf that’s only half stale!
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Your brain is a national treasure, Aquarius. This week, you might just solve the ultimate puzzle: how to fix that thingamajig with a what’s-its-name. Prepare for your ‘maker moment’ — duct tape and all.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Deep dive into those feelings, Pisces, because if anyone’s going to find wisdom in a bottle cap quote, it’s you. This week, your intuition could lead you to the most mystical of discoveries — like a quiet spot in a crowded shelter.
You have the inner strength and resources to overcome the slime pit of life. Keep your spirits up, dear readers, and remember that in the vast cosmos, we’re all just stardust trying to steal the next man’s dinner.
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