It’s no surprise that even our beloved sports have taken a turn for the surreal. Recent reports indicate that, in an attempt to further exclude the non-monied masses, sports teams are ditching traditional fan attendance for holographic crowds. It seems that even our pastimes need to remove what little coin the people have left.
Imagine this: You, a loyal sports fan, arrive at your favorite stadium, filled with dreams of cheering on your team and savoring the camaraderie of fellow enthusiasts. Instead, you are greeted by the eerie sight of holographic fans, seated in rows, silently watching the game, and occasionally applauding on cue. The actual attendance consists of well-dressed VIPs, sipping champagne and discussing the stock market’s latest downturns.
“We wanted to create a more exclusive atmosphere for our actual patrons,” says Winston Moncraft, the owner of the Moncraft Magnates football team. “With the holographic crowds, the true fans can enjoy the game without being forced to endure poors who can barely afford to feed themselves or wash, let alone purchase a ticket.” He continues, “In addition to that, any more lip from the players about their contracts and we’ll holograph their asses next.”
It’s all part of the new trend in “dysto-sports,” as they are affectionately called by the wealthy, where the exclusivity of the experience far outweighs the actual athleticism on display. It’s now all about maintaining that ordinary fans can’t compete, not even in the stands.
Moreover, the holographic crowds come with several advantages, such as a pre-programmed delay on cheering and applause to ensure they’re perfectly synchronized with the actual on-field action. Plus, these virtual fans never boo the home team, question referees, or chant things that will upset the owners so they never have to face criticism. It’s the ideal environment for the privileged to enjoy their pastimes without the pesky opinions of the “regulars.”
To make matters more absurd, the holographic crowds are equipped with customizable avatars, allowing elite ticket-holders to create their ideal spectator look. “We can make whoever we want to be at the games. No more of ‘those people,’” says Victoria Volcrux, a billionaire and avid sports enthusiast. “I can sit next to a holographic version of Queen Elizabeth or Marie Antoinette if I so desire. It’s all about living out our most extravagant fantasies.”
This new era encapsulates the extravagance and detachment of the haves. Who cares about the roar of the crowd when you can have a perfectly choreographed holographic spectacle of fandom? Who needs to share in the camaraderie of the “working class” when you can sip champagne and bask in the glow of holographic elites?
So, let us all be grateful for the illusion that we still have a seat at the table, even if it’s a virtual one!
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<span class=”disclaimer”>[DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of fiction and satire. Any resemblance to real events or persons is purely coincidental.]</span>
