In this world where the wealthy sip champagne in their luxurious, disease-free bubbles, the rest of us must navigate life in the “real” world. And what’s more real than avoiding your recently infected loved ones, especially when you don’t want to catch whatever they’ve got? Here are five expert tips to help you steer clear of those pesky germy relatives.
- The Elbow Bump: It’s been a while since we abandoned handshakes, high-fives, and hugs. Now it’s time to take it a step further. Welcome to the era of the “elbow bump redux.” Approach your infected loved ones, but maintain a safe distance and invent a cool, culturally appropriated greeting routine! Keep your face as far away from them as possible. Remember, it’s not that you don’t love them; it’s just that you value yourself more.
- The Vid-call: With holiday gatherings becoming breeding grounds for infections, why not start a new tradition? Organize a vid-call event, where you and your infected loved ones can share a virtual feast over video chat. Show them your delicious open flame dinner while they demonstrate their latest batch of homemade cough syrup. It’s the perfect way to keep your distance and your appetite.
- The “Do Not Disturb” Sign: Create a custom “Do Not Disturb” sign, stylishly decorated with biohazard symbols and the blood of your enemies, and hang it on your front door. This sends a clear message to your infected loved ones that you value your personal space above all else. Of course, they may still attempt to breach your safe zone, but that’s what your elaborate trap system is for.
- The “Hazardous Waste Zone”: Embrace a new interior decorating trend: the “Hazardous Waste Zone” aesthetic. Pile up biohazard-themed pillows, roll out caution tape, and surround yourself with over-sized plastic bubbles. This fashionable setup tells your infected loved ones that you’re serious about social distancing and have an impeccable sense of style.
- The Double-Agent Decontaminator: Salvage an old car wash spray system and clandestinely install it in the entry way to your home. Now, fill this newly installed decontamination apparatus with your favorite hand sanitizer — and you’ll need lots. Follow that up with a door curtain comprised of baby wipes, disinfecting wipes, or a combination of the two! Change your sanitation second stage every 10 visitors or as your wipes desiccate.
Of course, we all love our infected loved ones, but in these trying times, keeping them at bay is a top priority. By following these five tips, you can navigate the unwashed masses you just happen to be related to with style and panache! So, here’s to a future where we can once again embrace, high-five, and hug – the uninfected.
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[DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of fiction and satire. Any resemblance to real events or persons is purely coincidental.]
