Ah, the good old days when we had two fully functional arms. It seems like just yesterday when we could high-five with both hands, wave to our neighbors, and actually choose a hand for private time. But alas, the dream of bimanual activities has been severed. So, for those unfortunate warriors who’ve lost their precious limb in a skirmish, here are five ways to bounce back in style:
- Self-entertaining Camp Re-entry:
Let’s face it; it gets old having to yell out the same identifying phrase when approaching the camp gate after a night of wasteland business. Why waste time waving torches and flashlights with both hands when you can master the art of announcing your arrival and having some fun? With a swift and assertive shout, you can alert the camp with, “Don’t shoot! I’m unarmed!” - The Kareem Abdul Jabbar:
Pirates of old had it right all along. The hook is the accessory of the season. If you have at least one metal worker in your survivor’s camp, you can show off your pirate-like swagger while making a strong statement. Attach your (t)rusty hook hand, and soon, everyone will be jealous of your newfound flair and your ability to open cans. Yarr! - Mannequin Care Health Plan:
It’s time to embrace a new kind of health plan, one that is perfectly suited for the one-armed survivors. In a move that’s both functional and stylish, you’ll head to the nearest mall or department store ruins and pick out a shiny new arm from the most stylish mannequin you can find! No more pinning sleeves. You also now have a perfect, natural-feeling stand for your rifle. You can look fresh in jackets again — There’s nothing about this that doesn’t win! - You now no longer have to learn sign language:
It’s not like you can be out here forming half sentences. Let somebody else figure that shit out. It’s all a mindset and now you have the proper perspective to fuel you throughout the day! - Enjoy your ability to scare the hell out of the camp kids:
Look, we all know it’s post-apocalypse and we need the children to help us survive. However, sometimes kids need to have a little fear instilled in them. How else are they going to learn to stay in line or understand that the world is a dangerous place that requires the correct about of natural respect/fear? Here’s where you step in! You’re now in a prime position to “acquire” a severed arm from one of the undead, seal it in plastic or whatever protective casing you can secure, and make sure those little brats know that you may have lost an arm, but you still have it, and if they don’t get it together, it’s coming for them. You know…2 birds, 1 stone…lifts all boats…yadda yadda.
So there you have it, five ingenious ways to rebound after losing your arm to a rival survival camp. Remember, adaptability is key and maybe one day the two-armed folks will be the odd ones out. Until then, raise your remaining arm high and celebrate!
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[DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of fiction and satire. Any resemblance to real events or persons is purely coincidental.]
